As a response to this article by Justin Langer criticising England's players, I have decided to issue a similar dossier on Australia's players.
Katich - A weener with a weird crab like technique, his face alternates between smug and cross. Never looks like a proper batsman no matter what shot he plays. Painful to watch.
Watson - Big vain loudmouthed oaf who loves himself and nowhere near as good as he thinks he is. His batting looks clunky and mechanical, I don't think he will ever be a great success at it, while his attempts at bowling are just embarassing.
Ponting - A fussy little fast talker with a big mouth always questioning and criticising umpires and opponents. Quick to throw toys out of the cot when things aren't going his way which is quite often these days. Sadly has the tactical savvy, as well as the saliva retention of a two year old. Spitting on the hands every ball is a great look for a national captain. Looks and acts eerily like George Bush. Noone is that surprised he is now getting booed whenever he steps on the field.
Hussey - Mr Cricket is one of the few remotely respectable blokes in the bunch. But he comes across very uptight and geeky and just looks a ball of stress and tension.
Clarke - Engaged to Australia's biggest bimbo (Bingle), and it could be a case of two peas in a pod, as he is forever spouting nonsense and propoganda like proclaimations about Australia's superiority, and generally licking Ricky Ponting's butt at every opportunity, while wearing an irritating smirk. Is also guilty of looking too much like Elijah Wood, and is the often the luckiest batsman in the world in each innings whose flimsy style flatters to deceive.
North - Hasn't been in the team long enough to form a lasting judgement but seems to be a reasonably solid batsman and bloke. Is it just coincidence that Australia were so reluctant to select both Hussey and North until their 30's despite them being so good? Perhaps their nice guy personas don't fit in with the rest of the team.
Haddin - A particularly nasty piece of work, often deliberately cheats by claiming catches and wickets when it's clearly not out, as explained in this example, when criticized gets defensive and acts wounded despite the actual evidence. Is forever chewing gum and spouting unpleasantries while grinning idiotically. His keeping is so desperately poor he has to try to make up for it somehow.
Johnson - Pin up poster boy who has been trumpeted and over rated after one good series. Has a wonky bowling action that sprays the ball around, and bats in slog mode. His thunder was stolen by his mother embarassingly speaking out about him before the series.
Hauritz - Is not the worst bloke, but quite possibly is the worst "spin" bowler every to pose as a spin bowler for Australia as he does not spin the ball and does not look like a proper bowler.
Siddle - Former woodchopper, reminds you of a chipmunk when he opens his furry mouth. His bowling is not going to break any records, perhaps in the team because his bowling action imitates selector Merv Hughes, and is also a Victorian?
Lee - Forever over-rated, not least by himself, his Test bowling statistics are not that hot, and are inflated by many tail ender wickets as he can't seem to get proper batsmen out so tries to bully the tail enders.
Hayden - Retired after being dropped, he is the ultimate batting bully, a real brute of an oaf. Fails whenever the ball swings or the bowling is otherwise above average. Says little intelligent when he speaks, is a particularly arrogant and nasty person who was not well liked even by his own team judging by the lack of glowing tributes when he left. Once put on a mock Indian voice on a radio station and abused several Indian players and challenged one of them to a boxing fight. What a bloke.
Gilchrist - A terrible hypocrite and self confessed cry baby, he pretends to be a gentleman by walking when obviously out yet appeals and makes a big fuss when opposition are clearly not out. Exceptionally arrogant in the way he speaks, he was brought down to size spectacularly in the previous Ashes series in England, failing to reach 50 in any matches and his career never recovered after that.
Symonds - Not much to say here that isn't well known. Preferred drinking and fishing sprees to his millionaire cricket career so eventually threw it away. An abrasive and nasty character on and off the field.
Warne - A real hedonist with no morals, Australia was unable to control him because of his so called superhero status. Heavy smoker and even heavier womaniser, despite being married for most of the time. On the field his behaviour wasn't any better as he repeatedly abused batsmen and umpires.
McGrath - Bad tempered beanpole who was always shaking his head and muttering to himself, and also loved to abuse batsmen. So arrogant he would often predict whitewash outcomes before series, which backfired hilariously in the last Ashes series where not only did Australia lose, but he managed to injure himself standing on a cricket ball just before the match.
Australia play the villains so well. I hope they don't manage to come out on top in the Ashes because the bad guy isn't supposed to win.